- Bad movies can't roll back into good
I'm not even sure where to start with
this review; it really is that bad of a movie. Not bad as in that
way you laugh like a B movie, but where you feel very awkward for
everyone involved because such poor decisions were made that there
might actually be something intelligent within but it will never
matter because it is so overwhelmingly bad you'd need a full
bleaching of the mind to forget it..
Foolishly, I promised (and I always
keep my word – sort of like a Lannister!) to watch the movie on a
few friends' recommendation. I won't name them but, let's say that I
will certainly be wary of their movie recommendations from now on.
I'm not really sure what they were going for within the movie, it's
not a comedy and anyone laughing isn't laughing with them. The
characters take themselves too seriously throughout the entire movie
which ultimately stopped me from enjoying the film. A joke movie has
to be having fun with itself or it is just awkward. I can't believe
how idiotic things were, but enough generalization, on to the
specifics.
The Room is about Johnny (played by the
movie's director and writer Tommy Wiseau) and his soon to be wife
Lisa (played by Juliette Danielle) and their days leading up to their
wedding. Suddenly there is conflict. The soon-to-be wife is
sleeping around with Johnny's best friend! That's just about the
entire story. All the subplots within the movie are one lines, and
self-contained to the scene. Lisa's mother (played by Carolyn
Minnott) exclaims “I have breast cancer, but I'll be fine”.
That's it, it is never brought up again. There is a kid Denny
(played by Philip Haldiman) who hangs out with Johnny and it's never
confirmed if he lives with them, is adopted or is related to either
of them, (I personally thought adopted). So the story is incredibly
weak, and how it lasted the 1 hour and 38 minutes is actually
astonishing. While I've never been fond of the “nothing happens”
insult towards a boring movie, this comes pretty close since it's
just a bunch of sex scenes and poorly-written arguments.
Within the first 10 minutes of the
movie we have a sex scene. A completely unconvincing sequence where
the start up, act and finale of it were so poorly done not only was
it bad for a movie it was bad for a pornography flick. A few
minutes later there was another sex scene between the same actors and
they reused shots from the first scene, as obvious and as clear as
day! The third sex scene (all within the first 30 minutes) was with
another actor so they couldn't reuse shots but it did feel as if they
were going through the exact same choreographed sequence. I should
also mention that the first sequence of sex involves some sort of
belly button gyration sex and looks awkward for everyone involved,
and that includes you. There are a few more sex-related sequences but
the first three are really the eye-catchingly terrible ones.
To fill time I suspect, the characters
have a strange fascination with playing football at some of the
weirdest times, but never for very long and only a few feet away from
the house. “Lets throw the ball!” says Denny. “Alright!”
exclaim Johnny and his friends. Screen transition - three throws of
the ball and then the so called story interjects itself again. This
happens numerous times and nothing is ever done with it. Once they
go out in suits and a guy falls so they stop and that's it. I don't
even remember his name and him falling did nothing for the story.
The entire football sequences are filling but they don't even fill up
that much time, so why did they bother?
 |
| He fondles the ball better than his woman. |
Tommy Wiseau may just be the worst
actor I have ever set eyes on in all the movies I have seen and don't
take that lightly because I have seen absolutely terrible movies.
This is the worst of the worst, even technically speaking. Rumour
has it Tommy Wiseau didn't know the difference between 35mm and HD
video cameras so he bought (usually one rents) both and mounted them
on the camera mount and away he went. If true, this explains quite a
bit. This was a movie made by a guy who had the money to make one
and didn't really care about anything else and it shows through in
every single aspect.
I give it 1/10
PS: This movie has become somewhat of a
cult movie like Rocky Horror, though fans of The Room throw spoons at
the screen not toast.
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